Growth

The last week of September.

I confess, this week has been pretty difficult for me for the past few years. I'm sure you understand why.

But… something's happened, and this year…

Well. I honestly went into today with a bit of dread. Not of you, and what you might do. But of myself. Of how I would react. I mean… There's a very recent example of me reacting… poorly. And… I didn't think that would happen again, but I still had some worry.

Far, far, far less than last year. My goodness. Last year, I had myself tied into so very many knots. You have no idea. I can never thank you enough for how easy you ended up making it for me last year. The day came… it went… and, yes, you acknowledged it publicly… but in a way that ended up being far easier for me to process, at the time, than what I feared.

But this year…

I've grown so much. I've learned so much. I learned my lesson from a few weeks ago. I finally got it through my own thick skull…

You can show appreciation for what you have, and even really actually mean it…

But that has no bearing, none whatsoever, on how you feel about me.

And besides… so much has happened between us recently. Things have been said. Barriers breached.

It occurred to me that you've touched me nearly every single time we've seen each other, aside from just passing on the street, for at least the past two months. And, sure… most of those times it's just you hitting my shoulder or elbowing me while laughing at me, but still… That is not meaningless.

So yes, tonight's post? I won't lie. There was perhaps half a minute, probably less, where I felt the crushing despair start trying to creep in. But then I just thought of you… coming along to that concert that you had no more interest in than I did the other night… the way your eyes just kept locking onto mine at the last campout… the way you invited me over to your house… the way you said that we should spend a lot more time together…

And, whoosh… it was gone.

And then I found myself flipping through those photos… so many of them completely new to me. And I guess… sort of like when you posted about that chair… I realized… Whether you meant it to be or not, the post was a sort of gift… The gift of your image. My favorite thing in the entire world to see.

I mean… some of the photos I could have done without, but that's fine. Understandable. I won't complain.

And gosh… you really are just beautiful. Always have been. Always will be.

And absolutely stunning in white.

So… it might be a bit of a weird night, a weird week, but…

I'm good. I am very, very good.

And I love you. Absolutely.

Forever yours,
♒️